before i get carried away, announcement: i changed my email address to irene06@gmail.com. the other one littleswallow06@hotmail.com will be only for msn purposes.
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very angry now cos of her. (sorry, full of ranting)
context. like little kids, i'm supposed to give her all my ang-pows to keep and i can only open it tonight. *rolls eyes* so i go to open it. and there she is, talking about don't know what crap. so i just say, can i just open it and be done with it??? cos frankly, i don't care about the process of opening. i only care about the result. anyway, she just blew her top. and started shouting and scolding me for don't know what reason anyway? what? can't i just have a simple request??? i have fucking school tomorrow and i haven't finished my tutorial, and i haven't showered, and haven't done what i'm supposed to do. ang-pow is not important compared to all this. and so she accused me of spoiling the last day of new year for her. *rolls eyes* whatever lah. i just open the stupid ang-pow at top speed while she continues ranting away. then fucking, just as i finished opening the last one, she comes and snatches the damn money away and keeps it. fuck. has it never occured to her that i might want some of that money for myself and not in cold storage in the fucking bank???! i can't even use the money i have in the bank lor. i should never have agreed to joint account with her. she monitors every single piece of activity on my nets and questions each and every transaction at the end of the month, even those labelled "nus co-op". all those lies about going to let me handle my own money. anyway, DO NOT ask me how much i got from my ang-pow this year. i. do. not. know.
and that was just the last straw. i am sick of living in the same house as her. one of the things she's accusing me of is reading weird books. just because i was reading "angels and demons" by dan brown. and i bet you everything i own that she has no idea what's in the book. talk about taking things at face value. she had absolutely no problems with me reading "the templar revelation" even though the entire book is about jesus being fictional and a conspiracy. or all those mary magadalene books. now i'm finally reading a book that's sort of pro-religion and she is so against the book just because it has the word demon in the title. fuck lah. she should scold dad for this one. he's the one that brought the book home in the first place.
and then there's the issue of me supposedly trying to brainwash andrew to go to meridian and break the tradition of going to catholic schools. big fat F-U-C-K. for the record, i did not tell andrew to go to meridian cos it is secular. i do not consider religion as a factor in this. i mean, open your eyes, and smell the shit. this is a cruel secular world we live in. it's about time she realises that religion is not going to help. being sequestered in a catholic environment all your life is not going to prepare anyone for the real world. talk about biasness. she wants ME to draft HER an email so that she can thank andrew's teachers for taking such good care of him during his years at sji. hell i'm going to. what the hell she wanna do that for????? it's not as if they gave andrew special treatment or anything. and since it's andrew's teachers, why the fuck am i the one that has to do the email??? and i didn't see you trying so damn hard for me to get into cj. you had absolutely no problem with me going to meridian despite that it isn't a catholic school and that it's in far off pasir ris. and now you're saying that andrew can't go there cos it isn't catholic and it's in far off pasir ris? bullshit.
and then there's the church choir too. she accuses me of letting dawn handle too much despite the fact that i'm supposed to be leader now. for the record, i don't care. she's got more experience so it's only logical that i ask her to help. she says that i'm undermining my authority because of that. whatever. i don't care about authority. right here and now if someone else is willing to lead, i am so willing to let them. i don't want to be a leader. at all. i don't care about being at the helm of anything. i just want to be one of those nameless people in the background. yes, and i don't care if i do it all my life.
and then she's always talking about how good so-and-so is, how so-and-so is so kind hearted and always gives to charity, and always helps the less fortunate etc etc. fuck. what's the point in telling that?? so what? i don't care. it's their life. they want to do what they're doing, so be it. just don't shove them down my throats like they're living saints or something. i will never be like them ok. quit telling me how wonderful this and that person is. and she thinks that clay aiken is trashy just because he's a music celebrity and that i like him.
and there's the uni. frankly, i don't give a damn about uni. i don't care if i don't get a fancy degree. they've said that uni is for those people who are someday gonna be somebody in the working world. uh-uh. not for me. and she scolds me for that. saying that when i get my degree, get a good job, earn big money, and then can give back and help the church. bullshit. and she still cannot accept that i will not, repeat, will not join the catholic student society at nus. why the hell should i? as if i can't get enough through the choir? she keeps broadly saying that next year, in year 2 when i 'm more free i should join css. or i should go and find out where they're having mass and go and join them when they do. *rolls eyes* take the hint! i don't want to join them.
she's so fanatical about religion. and i don't see the reason why. it's never done me any good. and when i imply that to her, she just blows up again. she's so narrow minded in that way. she thinks it's a mortal sin that i refuse to go with her to novena. ok. i will confess my sins here and now. i pay only lip service to god. i do not pray. i have not gone for confession for 4 years. i have not said the rosary on my own for 2 years. (i don't even know where in my room the rosary is) i don't believe that the bible is the ultimate word of god. the communion is just a wafer and not the body and blood. i have been entertaining notions that the whole catholic faith is based on a conspiracy theory and that jesus never existed nor did he die on the cross or rise from the dead. there. i've said it. go on and excommunicate me.
and then, cos i've been using the comp till quite late at night. so i'm tired the next day right? so when i decide to go to sleep early, like tonight, she blows her top and scolds me. says it's my own fault that i'm tired etc etc. hello? night time? sleep? what's the problem? aren't i doing what she wants? cannot understand her.
i cannot wait for the day when nus will tell me that i'm eligible for student exchange. how good it'll feel to finally be free, even if only for 1 sememster. planning to go with su hui to either US or canada. that's assuming that my cap score is good enough and that i got enough money. she's got to stop treating me like a kid. i may act like one sometimes but the fact is that i'm not. i'm officially going to be an adult in a year. and yet. i learnt in soci, children whose parents are high in demandingness (control) and low in responsiveness (emotional), aka authoritarian, tend to be high in instrumental competence and behavioral control but low in self esteem and ppl skills. and somehow, i feel that that describes me. i think i have not yet attained piaget's 4th stage of development. go figure. and whose fault is it?
ok. nuff for now. feel better now that i've let it all out. haha! thanks for reading all my crap.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
announcement
as of monday 13/02, littleswallow06@hotmail.com will cease to be my primary email.
my new primary email will be irene06@gmail.com.
the hotmail address will be only for msn purposes.
please take note and update your contact lists.
thanks!
my new primary email will be irene06@gmail.com.
the hotmail address will be only for msn purposes.
please take note and update your contact lists.
thanks!
Friday, February 10, 2006
this is the night
putting a video of my fav song.
can't decide if wanna put this montage or the original music video. or maybe i'll just slowly put all the versions of the TITN video and showcase them all one at a time and culminate with the original.
haha.
can't decide if wanna put this montage or the original music video. or maybe i'll just slowly put all the versions of the TITN video and showcase them all one at a time and culminate with the original.
haha.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
weird day
today has been such a WEIRD day.
first. shocking news! for the first time in my life, i missed, not one, but TWO tutorials. yup. drum roll. and for a very very very very stupid reason too. my blurness. here's the story. last night, reaching home at 11 after choir, i went to check my timetable. and i saw that today's classes were same as on monday. which i thought was 12pm. BUT i forgot that on monday, before my 12pm lecture, there is an even week tutorial starting at 10am. and that is the slot that i was looking at. and so, me happily went to school thinking that classes start at 12pm only to have su hui msg me at 11 asking me if i'm nearly there. by which time, i'd already missed my 10am class. (-_-") dammit. so reach sch at 12 and sat around till 2pm for EN lecture. sigh. wonder if it's the work of god or the devil. cos i didn't fully prepare for those tutorials and was fully intending to either keep my mouth shut or crap up something. so in a way, it was partially a good thing to have missed them. but then, i don't know what i should do now. report to the tutors? i have got no proper excuse for my absence. or maybe i'll just pretend nothing happened. *sticks out tongue*
and then. during EN lecture, there was a screening. of Southpark ("big gay al's big gay boat ride" or something like that) and Sex in the City ("anchor away"). well, first time i'm watching either one. well, Southpark was weird. homosexuality thing again. and Sex in the City. well, i think that one was overhyped. joseph was asking me how i found it. well, hard to tell him straight out. anyway, i thought it was not good. to me, THAT was trashy. there was a total of 5 bare breasts bared within that 1/2 hr episode. and well, it's more like sex on a platter with little bits of platitudious garnishing on the side. probably the type of show that i'd watch if there was nothing better on. it's just like a, i don't know, a watered down porn show or something. proves that sex sells.
anyway, then. st ant's devotion. well, there was a 6person choir. dawn didn't come so me and marion had to whack through the music. and worst part, a warden happily informed me that in the morning, there was a blackout at the church and that could be that the electrical stuff isn't working properly. which is probably a contributing factor as to why the organ sounded so weird today. thank god it was fr khoo doing the devotion. yup anyway, 10mins before 8, there were only 3 guys present (not counting me). later on, marion, augustine and celest came. and only 2 people reported that they were not coming. *hint*
never mind. anyway, i copied the "this is the night" series onto ms word. i think that's such a cool story. i'm removing the white spaces in preparation for the time when i will be inspired, and have to ink and paper to print it out. so far, it has reduced the thing to 1008 pages. haha.
yup. yay! free day tomorrow. have to catch up on every other reading i've got. the only one i'm up to date on is EN. other things to do, memorise the concert songs. which should only take about the whole day i think. haha.
first. shocking news! for the first time in my life, i missed, not one, but TWO tutorials. yup. drum roll. and for a very very very very stupid reason too. my blurness. here's the story. last night, reaching home at 11 after choir, i went to check my timetable. and i saw that today's classes were same as on monday. which i thought was 12pm. BUT i forgot that on monday, before my 12pm lecture, there is an even week tutorial starting at 10am. and that is the slot that i was looking at. and so, me happily went to school thinking that classes start at 12pm only to have su hui msg me at 11 asking me if i'm nearly there. by which time, i'd already missed my 10am class. (-_-") dammit. so reach sch at 12 and sat around till 2pm for EN lecture. sigh. wonder if it's the work of god or the devil. cos i didn't fully prepare for those tutorials and was fully intending to either keep my mouth shut or crap up something. so in a way, it was partially a good thing to have missed them. but then, i don't know what i should do now. report to the tutors? i have got no proper excuse for my absence. or maybe i'll just pretend nothing happened. *sticks out tongue*
and then. during EN lecture, there was a screening. of Southpark ("big gay al's big gay boat ride" or something like that) and Sex in the City ("anchor away"). well, first time i'm watching either one. well, Southpark was weird. homosexuality thing again. and Sex in the City. well, i think that one was overhyped. joseph was asking me how i found it. well, hard to tell him straight out. anyway, i thought it was not good. to me, THAT was trashy. there was a total of 5 bare breasts bared within that 1/2 hr episode. and well, it's more like sex on a platter with little bits of platitudious garnishing on the side. probably the type of show that i'd watch if there was nothing better on. it's just like a, i don't know, a watered down porn show or something. proves that sex sells.
anyway, then. st ant's devotion. well, there was a 6person choir. dawn didn't come so me and marion had to whack through the music. and worst part, a warden happily informed me that in the morning, there was a blackout at the church and that could be that the electrical stuff isn't working properly. which is probably a contributing factor as to why the organ sounded so weird today. thank god it was fr khoo doing the devotion. yup anyway, 10mins before 8, there were only 3 guys present (not counting me). later on, marion, augustine and celest came. and only 2 people reported that they were not coming. *hint*
never mind. anyway, i copied the "this is the night" series onto ms word. i think that's such a cool story. i'm removing the white spaces in preparation for the time when i will be inspired, and have to ink and paper to print it out. so far, it has reduced the thing to 1008 pages. haha.
yup. yay! free day tomorrow. have to catch up on every other reading i've got. the only one i'm up to date on is EN. other things to do, memorise the concert songs. which should only take about the whole day i think. haha.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
what a sunday mass!
sunday mass today was quite interesting. firstly, well, the altar server installation. there were 24 of them. kinda a lot. khoo must be proud. anyway, cos of that, many of the guys were missing from choir. and so suddenly, in the middle of mass, when the altos decided to sit with the sops, there was suddenly an empty row in the middle of the choir. which is why i made the remaining guys move forward. it created a, kinda like a sound gap. and they're far away enough from the mike as it is already. if there's room, why not move forward.
then, there was this group of philippinos who came in during the entrance hymn, dressed totally in white. definitely very attention grabbing. i could see majority of the choir turning to look at them. me included. it's an interesting sight in our church i tell you. i think they were on a 'pilgrimage' or something cos after mass, they went round the church to the statues and prayed and took photos. and then, the offertery rites went a whole lot faster than i remember. *smacks myself* shouldn't have repeated the first verse of the "lord make us ready". still haven't gotten the hang of judging the timing.
haha! guess what? some things that made me very happy doing the choir today. despite me thinking that i malu-ated myself as usual, 3 people came after mass to tell us that we sounded great. among these was a couple visiting from canada. (hmm...sudden thought, maybe sylvia sent them) anyway, they actually CLAPPED for us after the rec. woah. WOAH. never in a million years did i think that there would actually be people applauding for us like that at an ordinary mass. it's really good encouragement to do better next time.
and then, there was this lady at the thanksgiving hymn time. we sang "god is dwelling in my heart". and i was just looking round, seeing if congregation is singing along, cos it seemed quieter than usual. and i saw her. she was kneeling down but her hands were lifted up, like in those praise and worship sessions, singing gustily. i don't know. seeing her singing like that was so... uplifting. thinking that, hey, despite me thinking that the hymns i planned are so sucky, there is someone somewhere who can connect with it, that it means something to that person. sweet. i really hope that the choir can continue to really touch people like that.
then, there was this group of philippinos who came in during the entrance hymn, dressed totally in white. definitely very attention grabbing. i could see majority of the choir turning to look at them. me included. it's an interesting sight in our church i tell you. i think they were on a 'pilgrimage' or something cos after mass, they went round the church to the statues and prayed and took photos. and then, the offertery rites went a whole lot faster than i remember. *smacks myself* shouldn't have repeated the first verse of the "lord make us ready". still haven't gotten the hang of judging the timing.
haha! guess what? some things that made me very happy doing the choir today. despite me thinking that i malu-ated myself as usual, 3 people came after mass to tell us that we sounded great. among these was a couple visiting from canada. (hmm...sudden thought, maybe sylvia sent them) anyway, they actually CLAPPED for us after the rec. woah. WOAH. never in a million years did i think that there would actually be people applauding for us like that at an ordinary mass. it's really good encouragement to do better next time.
and then, there was this lady at the thanksgiving hymn time. we sang "god is dwelling in my heart". and i was just looking round, seeing if congregation is singing along, cos it seemed quieter than usual. and i saw her. she was kneeling down but her hands were lifted up, like in those praise and worship sessions, singing gustily. i don't know. seeing her singing like that was so... uplifting. thinking that, hey, despite me thinking that the hymns i planned are so sucky, there is someone somewhere who can connect with it, that it means something to that person. sweet. i really hope that the choir can continue to really touch people like that.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
100 things about me
i'm procrastinating at the moment, in case y'all don't know. FINALLY finished clearing off su hui's answers.
01. favorite color: red
02. favorite drink: cold, sweet and not too gassy
03. favorite computer accessory: my laptop
04. favorite cookie: famous amos chocolate chip n pecan
05. favorite author: hmm... ... ...no fav.
06. favorite beatle: not into insects *wink*
07. favorite chipmunk: both of them
08. favorite ice cream: vanilla and chocolate mixed
09. favorite lover: my darling clayton holmes aiken!
10. do you believe in love at first sight: after reading and watching so many romances, it's hard not to.
11. do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom: yes. hygiene sia
12. do you put empty cartons back in the fridge: no! i'd get in trouble with the parents
13. do you do things you know you shouldn't: ya. like now. slacking when i should be studying
14. do you take responsibility: if i really have to
15. do you associate with people you don't even like: no.
16. do you have any psychological disorders: i'm sure i have but i don't know bout it.
17. do you drink diet soda: yes. trying to lose weight
18. have you broken the law: *heehee* not answering that
19. have you had one too many to drink: i don't drink
20. have you stuffed cocoa puffs up your nose: crazy. i don't even eat cocoa puffs
21. have you graduated high school: sadly yes.
22. have you bitten someone until they bled: maybe when i was a kid. don't really remember
23. have you ever stolen a street sign: aren't they all fixed down?
24. have you ever been in a food fight: hmm... ... ... maybe
25. what are you not doing: what i should be doing
26. what are you talking about: nothing
27. what are you wearing: tshirt. shorts
28. what are you craving: slacking
29. what are you lacking: slacking time
30. what are you going to do after this: no idea. watch the movie i borrowed?
31. what are you dependent on: air
32. what are you hoping: that i'll be motivated enough to do my readings
33. what are you reading: this post
34. what are you listening to: "chi lun" by zhao wei
35. last movie you saw: "coyote ugly"
36. last person you touched: shook hands with someone, parents' friend that i don't know.
37. last person you yelled at: my choir
38. last person you told you loved: oh god. do i really have to answer this? haven't gotten over the fact that i did such a stupid thing.
39. last thing you drank: milo
40. last year, you were: happier
41. last time you were on the phone: short while ago
42. last song you heard: "chi lun" zhao wei
43. do you want to get married/divorced: well, we have to be married before divorce can happen
44. do you want to have children: we'll see
45. do you want to tell certain people off: don't i wish
46. do you want to be somewhere else: yes. lake district, england
47. do you want to be someone else: hell ya.
48. do you want to be famous: wannabe sg idol here
49. do you want to go for a walk: in singapore weather? you kidding me?
50. do you want to hug anyone: yes. i want a hug.
51. do you want to make a difference: that would be nice.
52. how do you feel about president bush: crazy bugger
53. how do you feel about the internet: love-hate
54. how do you feel about your family: love-hate
55. how do you feel about your friends: love. haha.
56. do you like jelly beans: can live without it
57. do you like it when it rains: if i'm indoors, yes. and if it's for a short while
58. do you like to drive: i dream of driving like initial d
59. do you like to eat out: no. can't decide what to eat.
60. do you like being home: if i'm alone
61. do you like the people (or animals) you live with: i will survive
62. do you like emo: when i'm in the 'soap opera' mood.
63. do you like Microsoft: love-hate
64. do you like your name: well, i didn't change it when i could. so...
65. worst feeling in the world: overwhelming fear
66. worst color combination: clay aiken's golden striped tie AND blue striped shirt outfit. pure gross-ness
67. worst color: neon green in a non-retro setting
68. worst thing about people: they all have their dark sides
69. worst element on the periodic table: everything?
70. worst disease / infection to get: common cold. and anything itchy.
71. worst position to sleep in: anywhere not on my bed
72. I am not: who you think i am
73. I love: in vain
74. I hate: people who say "if you don't convert, you'll rot in hell forever and ever"
75. I fear: death, dying and zombies
76. I hear: music
77. I crave: to be more than i am
78. I cry: alone
79. I care: too much sometimes
80. I feel alone: most of the time
81. I drive: myself nuts
82. I sing: out loud
83. I dance: when no one's looking
84. I write: seldom
85. I play: when i feel like
86. I miss: love
87. I search: for answers to life
88. I learn: that sometimes there are no answers
89. I feel: nothing
90. I know: what i know
91. I need: a hug
92. I succeed: in my dreams
93. I dream: to be more than i am
94. I wonder: why i'm here
95. I want: to turn back time
96. I have: electronic gadgets
97. I give: too much or nothing at all
98. I fell: in love with the wrong person
99. I fight: a losing battle
100. I say: sometimes god reaches down and pulls the wings off his butterflies.
01. favorite color: red
02. favorite drink: cold, sweet and not too gassy
03. favorite computer accessory: my laptop
04. favorite cookie: famous amos chocolate chip n pecan
05. favorite author: hmm... ... ...no fav.
06. favorite beatle: not into insects *wink*
07. favorite chipmunk: both of them
08. favorite ice cream: vanilla and chocolate mixed
09. favorite lover: my darling clayton holmes aiken!
10. do you believe in love at first sight: after reading and watching so many romances, it's hard not to.
11. do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom: yes. hygiene sia
12. do you put empty cartons back in the fridge: no! i'd get in trouble with the parents
13. do you do things you know you shouldn't: ya. like now. slacking when i should be studying
14. do you take responsibility: if i really have to
15. do you associate with people you don't even like: no.
16. do you have any psychological disorders: i'm sure i have but i don't know bout it.
17. do you drink diet soda: yes. trying to lose weight
18. have you broken the law: *heehee* not answering that
19. have you had one too many to drink: i don't drink
20. have you stuffed cocoa puffs up your nose: crazy. i don't even eat cocoa puffs
21. have you graduated high school: sadly yes.
22. have you bitten someone until they bled: maybe when i was a kid. don't really remember
23. have you ever stolen a street sign: aren't they all fixed down?
24. have you ever been in a food fight: hmm... ... ... maybe
25. what are you not doing: what i should be doing
26. what are you talking about: nothing
27. what are you wearing: tshirt. shorts
28. what are you craving: slacking
29. what are you lacking: slacking time
30. what are you going to do after this: no idea. watch the movie i borrowed?
31. what are you dependent on: air
32. what are you hoping: that i'll be motivated enough to do my readings
33. what are you reading: this post
34. what are you listening to: "chi lun" by zhao wei
35. last movie you saw: "coyote ugly"
36. last person you touched: shook hands with someone, parents' friend that i don't know.
37. last person you yelled at: my choir
38. last person you told you loved: oh god. do i really have to answer this? haven't gotten over the fact that i did such a stupid thing.
39. last thing you drank: milo
40. last year, you were: happier
41. last time you were on the phone: short while ago
42. last song you heard: "chi lun" zhao wei
43. do you want to get married/divorced: well, we have to be married before divorce can happen
44. do you want to have children: we'll see
45. do you want to tell certain people off: don't i wish
46. do you want to be somewhere else: yes. lake district, england
47. do you want to be someone else: hell ya.
48. do you want to be famous: wannabe sg idol here
49. do you want to go for a walk: in singapore weather? you kidding me?
50. do you want to hug anyone: yes. i want a hug.
51. do you want to make a difference: that would be nice.
52. how do you feel about president bush: crazy bugger
53. how do you feel about the internet: love-hate
54. how do you feel about your family: love-hate
55. how do you feel about your friends: love. haha.
56. do you like jelly beans: can live without it
57. do you like it when it rains: if i'm indoors, yes. and if it's for a short while
58. do you like to drive: i dream of driving like initial d
59. do you like to eat out: no. can't decide what to eat.
60. do you like being home: if i'm alone
61. do you like the people (or animals) you live with: i will survive
62. do you like emo: when i'm in the 'soap opera' mood.
63. do you like Microsoft: love-hate
64. do you like your name: well, i didn't change it when i could. so...
65. worst feeling in the world: overwhelming fear
66. worst color combination: clay aiken's golden striped tie AND blue striped shirt outfit. pure gross-ness
67. worst color: neon green in a non-retro setting
68. worst thing about people: they all have their dark sides
69. worst element on the periodic table: everything?
70. worst disease / infection to get: common cold. and anything itchy.
71. worst position to sleep in: anywhere not on my bed
72. I am not: who you think i am
73. I love: in vain
74. I hate: people who say "if you don't convert, you'll rot in hell forever and ever"
75. I fear: death, dying and zombies
76. I hear: music
77. I crave: to be more than i am
78. I cry: alone
79. I care: too much sometimes
80. I feel alone: most of the time
81. I drive: myself nuts
82. I sing: out loud
83. I dance: when no one's looking
84. I write: seldom
85. I play: when i feel like
86. I miss: love
87. I search: for answers to life
88. I learn: that sometimes there are no answers
89. I feel: nothing
90. I know: what i know
91. I need: a hug
92. I succeed: in my dreams
93. I dream: to be more than i am
94. I wonder: why i'm here
95. I want: to turn back time
96. I have: electronic gadgets
97. I give: too much or nothing at all
98. I fell: in love with the wrong person
99. I fight: a losing battle
100. I say: sometimes god reaches down and pulls the wings off his butterflies.
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